You deserve a break today... as in right now
Hello there! I thought I'd spend a blog or two answering incoming mail, real or imagined, not counting bills. So let's start with a frequent question: How would I solve global warming?
As a devout student of Monty Python's Flying Circus, Mad Magazine, and Mrs. Mason's third-grade geography class, not to mention my undergraduate research on this very subject at the University of Football in Norman, I have pondered this problem for a few generations, which led to my simple, three-step plan.
First off, pass a law forbidding any more volcanoes. This is a no-brainer, for these hot-heads pump more harmful gasses into the atmosphere than my brother, which is about as bad as it gets by most standards of analysis. As divided as Congress is, this step would probably require an act of the United Nations or a ruling of the International Court of Justice in The Hague, but widespread social media support should ensure it passes these hurdles with eventual ease.
Now, as we all go to bed at night knowing some mad scientist, aliens among us, or obstinate Russian hackers will ignore these legalities and continue pumping the earth's core with disruptive sonic rays, rig waste water, and gluten bi-products -- all to spur eruptive activity in key western cities -- we should proceed with step two: the development of giant inflammable plugs.
Manufactured in space, these giant corks would be dropped over forming eruptions, sealing the cracks while creating instant foundations for housing and commercial development or, with the right modifications, an organic base for rainforests, coffee bean farms, or my favorite, the gelato of the day. Admittedly, this step may require special drones to guide the plunging plugs into the right spot, but I'm sure this can be easily arranged, or we could just call Uber and let them deal with it.
Third, we crack down on the jawbreaker industry while developing technologies to dampen their atmospheric emissions.
Now this may surprise you a bit, but it's solid science that I've developed since receiving an 8-ball sized jawbreaker for Christmas some years back. In defiance of naysayers who claim my mouth was/is big enough to handle such things, I decided to keep this gem inside its resealable bag beside the TV, which changed to a plasma screen a few years back. Little did I know that the cosmic rays emitted by that screen would not only turn my hair a premature green, but also interact with that nearly 100-percent sugar crystal sitting oh so enticingly at the base of its feet. I soon recognized something was happening from the gas accumulating in the bag.
This, my friends, was my Newton's apple moment.
Recognizing the dangers within, I opened the bag, released the sweet smell of success, and sealed it anew. One year later I again noticed the ballooning bag and repeated the process, which renewed itself again this year before with my recent move. And thus my mind started thinking: if this one jawbreaker emitted such atmospheric actions so effortlessly, without any government oversight or intervention, what about the millions upon millions of other jawbreakers sitting oh so innocently in candy store counters or thin cardboard boxes, tossing off unmonitored emissions to play havoc with our winds and rains and ice flows and butterfly migrations and mustache droppings and earthworm mating rituals and all the other important economic indicators we don't pay enough attention to?
Think about it. Have you noticed how many different kinds of M&Ms we now have? Or Twinkees? Or Marvel movie characters? They didn't exist when I was a kid, but now they proliferate like tribbles on DS9.
What's the cause of this? Nazi scientists holed up in Antartica? New budding germs no longer terrified by those greasy oil medicines developed when we were kids? Global warming machinations?
No, I think my jawbreaker theory makes much more sense. It warrants serious discussion.
All that's lacking is some YouTube video of a kid or cow or hummingbird or mongoose struggling to get one of those hard, round sugar bowling balls out of its mouth, and believe me, with jawbreakers like this one Q-ball, that's a real danger. I'd volunteer, but then I might be enticed to bite down, and I don't know if my teeth can take that anymore.Not that I've asked them....